The Best Man Speech: How to Avoid a Stinker

As a professional speechwriter the boundary lines of good taste are pretty clear to me, but if you are writing a best man speech and are a little unsure about whether you have crossed those lines, let me make them crystal clear.
 
These are your no-go zones.  Do any of these and your speech is destined to be a stinker.

• Don’t talk about ex-girlfriends or previous sexcapades. It doesn’t matter that it’s in the past or if you’re making a positive comparison. In fact, don’t talk about sex at all. There are no exceptions.

 

• Avoid toilet humour or anything to do with bodily functions. It surprises me how many stories of the ‘brown variety’ I’ve had to advise people to leave out. You may get a laugh from the boys but — and trust me on this, everyone else will be cringing.

 

• Avoid in-jokes. If only a handful of people get the gag then everyone else is scratching their heads wondering “what was all that about?” In-jokes are a surefire way to create awkward silences and alienate your audience.

  

• This one should be obvious: don’t insult the bride, marriage or women in general. There is no place for misogyny at a wedding. Definitely don’t start banging on about how your previous relationships/marriage didn’t work out because a) you’ll bring the mood down and b) this is not about you.

 

• I repeat: this is not about you. It’s about the bride and groom. A good test is to go through your speech and circle any “I”’s with a red pen. If you end up with a sea of red then revisit your purpose and start editing.

 

• Don’t swear. It’s tacky and it doesn’t go down well at a wedding. Remember, there will grandparents and probably children in the room.

 
In summary keep your content family friendly. Ask yourself this: what would grandma or the bride’s parents think if they heard your speech?  If it leaves them feeling sorry for the bride because she appears to be marrying an absolute douche then you have your answer.
 
If all else fails, remember the golden rule: if in doubt, leave it out.